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so the plan was for me to spend my summer in vancouver. to spend months falling asleep every night in the lap of the boy i love while he reads me my horoscope. he says we'll go to the market every morning and buy fruits and feed them to eachother in a park eating only the most royal and opulent fruit available. the pomegranites will stain our lips and we'll wear half burkas to hide them like hickies. mine will be white leather and his lynx fur. the guavas will be on our breath. i'd wake him up with an endless chain of soft kisses all over his face. i'll hold him by the armpits and smell his always clean hair.

i'd wake up early and create japanese flower arrangements for the house and make him breakfast. i'd wake him with the sound of a softly whistling kettle and me sniffing at his crotch like a lonely puppy. i'll catch him before he gets into the washroom and molest his mouth with kisses before he gets a chance to brush his teeth. i'd hold his waist while he pees and continue holding while he brushes his teeth. i'd whisper in his ear how much i adored him and then he'd help prop me onto the counter and we'd stare at each other as if for the first time. he'd prepare the cups and loop the teabag around the handle and pour. we'd sit on the kitchen floor on a bamboo rug while being watched by chairs and sofas sipping our tea.

i'll iron his clothes and leave love notes in his shoes and pockets, backpack and hat.

we'll walk the beach with cups of wine. no. lead crystal goblets. he'll leave for school and i'll be forced to spend the day waiting for his return. while i wait i'll stretch 12 canvases and setup on the beach. paint by the ocean with clear acrylic cylinders filled with champagne.
i'll ride around on a bike with a basket always carrying a baguette and some cheese just in case of an impromptu dejeuner in the park while wearing a horizontal stripe shirt.

he'll come home and i still won't have gotten dressed from the morning and he'll suggest that i dress. he'll help and we'll go out for breakfast. when we get home we'll walk the non existent dog.maybe we'll befriend the local animal shelter and borrow 20 dogs ten on each leash and take them down to the boardwalk and buy them all ice cream. we'll come home and find vancouver weather unbearably cold and jump into bed and make a tent.

then i find out that the plans are being foiled by his parents buying a new house in uxbridge and they are going to bring him home in may or june. it seems i've offended the universe. why is it that when love becomes so easy the world becomes so tough? mark, lets run away to polynesia and wear white, lying on the beach following the footprints to a gaugainian paradise. i've only to find a long enough stick and the right shade of flannel to make my pack, and yes the right twine is of utter importance.

i miss my butch very mutch.

this weekend was all over the place. it started at the house of 114 where i picked up derrick. then we walked to peroxide on ice covered sidewalks...we pretended we were surfing. the we get there and meet up with matt as i drop my pooch on the floor in front of the door girl...she handled it like an adult of course. we drank and got our smoke on. "teen queens on the scene"...then we departed and left for juicy where matt was to act as an attache.

it was a really good time. they put on this femme fatal police officer performance involving night sticks and rolled up police shirts and batty riders. one was butch and came down on to the dance floor and bent all three us over and began to thrust her butch self into our rectums. i'm embarrassed to say i found the experience somewhat arousing.

then we hit peroxide again and find the dance floor filled with numerous older and much bigger men. at an earlier time in life i may have been really turned on but on saturday i was almost upset and intimidated. i feared one might step on me. then we left peroxide and heard about a juicy after party at andy pool halls thanks to matt of course. so we fill into the car with i think one of the hottest and horniest lesbians i think i've ever met.

we get there but find out the manager won't let us in cuz it's too busy so derrick after being awake for way too long decides he's going home. me and matty of course know better. we drop derrick of skidding the entire way and get to matt's house. we dropped the pooches and quizzed eachother with algebraic equations...of course i stumped him with the old classic (x+y)squared...he was quite embarrassed when he i revealed the answer or expanded answer at the least.

he scared me with ghost talk and ouija board stories...and it seemed like every conversational avenue led to becoming some scary story. we both wanted to hide under blankets but we had to maintain our icy fronts. we saw the sun come up and looked into a mirror and realized that the poochy was still full...we decided brunch was necessary...to bad we didn't have a fresh white hot copy of the new york times to pretend to read but we managed. then ryan shows up for work and seems put together in contrast to our night of falling apart.

we eat and we go back to matt's then matt insists that i watch an episode of abfab...he said i wasn't really gay cuz i knew not of this abfab business. so i was firm and said I HAVE TO GO. my sister needed the car too. the night was so full that it took me two days to process what happened before i could write it down. thankfully it now is.

thanks for a the night of over done glamorousness matt...i needed it.

it seems like everyone in toronto is coming together. i walked down the street on valentines and was bombarded with couples who refused to unlink arms to let me pass...i was balancing along the curb when i noticed the fragility of my current situation. i'm not mad about people dating i guess i'm upset about my own loneliness.

it feels like sometimes people turn up the volume of there relationships in front me to make me realize how truly alone i really am. lisa told me that smart people are often the loneliest people. she tried to flatter me by calling me smart. if i were smart why would i choose to be lonely. i mean there must be something that i could do....i\f i were that smart. i don't think i like being lonely. i don't think anyone does.

i think about love and what it means when you're alone. is love simply a point reference. i find myself comparing all levels of love to the time when i felt it the most. if loneliness were a point on the love scale where would it be positioned on my own personal scale.

i guess valentines was a bigger blow to me than i thought. people were buying new outfits at work to present themselves to their "lovers" and it seemed as if for them the air smelt sweeter. all the while i questioned if they knew love the way that i did. have these people ever felt love in the way that i have. have they ever been forced to miss it against there own will.

is intellectual love the new love? i know that i'm turned on when i'm outsmarted. i think what i'm saying is that i miss love. it came to stay and was the only love that i've known thus far. i use it as my reference point for all other loves. i guess i'm waiting to test this out and see if m love scale actually works. what i'm getting at is the dilemma i face of wondering if a love can ever be as great as your first. a little scary this be for me.

happy belated valentine's day to you un-breaking hand holding couples out there. you really did hurt my feelings.

I approach lauder as my phone rings. it's lisa. i decide to play a little prank by saying that im not coming and that i'm still an hour and a half away from where she is. then she says when will you be here and i reply ummm..as i enter her home. wayne loved it and i think she did too.

the plan: tina's place is on the agenda but lisa's got to deal with her house stuff (i mean her AOL stuff of course). i sat as she prepared herself. eye shadow and some faint lipstick (Dior no less). seems a little extravagant for a thesbian but will let it pass...she is quite special. we drink and get messy and we're ready for the ball...

we show up 5.5 hours late. and we didn't RSVP firstly because as lisa would say..we aren't Tupperware queens and secondly because the party felt the need to call both of us on both of our phones...how great! we get there off the subway in full joseph beouys regalia. we were greeted by some sort of political UN meeting greeting style of two lines and people pooling towards us as if we possessed some sort of magnetic pull of course it could have also been the pull of lisa's pussy? we'll never really know. we enter this little coat room with jackets and a bike mounted.

we are served food and wine and there seemed to be an abundance of hummus everywhere and my personal favourite..paris toasts. lisa kept eating the damned stew and bread pudding...she said the wine tasted like dust...does black tower actually make red wine? someone fill me in! so we separate like seeking paranas...absorbing anything we can...all the while exchanging glances with a laser like beam telepathy...we know whats going on and we know where the party is at. we regroup in the coat room to smoke some cigarettes. at this point we're quite drunk.

suddenly the party follows us into the coat room...and me and lisa begin to hot box the spot. unfortunately there was no pot. we discuss school (this was a class party thing). and then we get to the whose a fag and who is a lesbian thing...of course everyone already knew about me. you can't make acrylic glory holes about two men having babies without having people question. you know?. so lisa's out now...and she's hot and saucy. we feed off each other like animals the temperature rises we go back into the kitchen. and then a song.

it may not have been mambo italiano but lets say that it was. the performance is on. the party is now an artists happening. i'm thrown to the floor and lisa the thesbian is on me performing some sort of tribal mating ritual. marking her territory. and i loved the submission. she fucked me wild. first she bunny fucked me then slow and soft then i sat on her. oH my! it was quite the scene. so we started the dancing blah blah blah the night continued. i think everyone was a little shocked...the only two homosexuals on the floor screaming and groaning.

it was hot and there was a fire in our bellies. from that point on we breathed fire on everything igniting the party into some sort of hip hop video heat frenzy..(i think that only me a lisa felt like this but whatever). we collected our things and exited and lisa and i hop into cab. and head for 7-11 we need cigarettes. she discusses Newfoundland with our cab driver who could have been my uncle...we get home and wayne is there we talk and fall asleep in the nest.

this morning crepes by wayne...they were the best i've ever had.

some liked it plain...and some liked it with syrup...i reduced it down to this...

the toast was delicate and subtle...it hid on itself and revealed little...precious yet oppulent..
we had this really cheap PC syrup and i wanted it...i put it on and they didn't approve...then i explained the romance involved in covering something so beautiful in something so ugly.

it was like covering a tiffany lamp with a painters canvas tarp...you see the toast needed protection...i can only assume protection from myself...

where was i last night? did i actually not go out on saturday night...was i that fatigued. it's because a thesbian and pseudo drag queen drained me fully over a two day binge of cats, pizza, wine and a cloud of tobacco smoke. pseudo drag did however whip up this french toast that was just divine as the thesbian might have pu it. i packed a lot for the sleepover and feel kind of like a jerk....ryan needed a t-shirt and i had an extra one but i needed to wear it to work or wouldn't have been fresh at all...i need to wear white under my black outfits...you might say it keeps me humble.

so sorry for not offering ryan. although we did share a towel....i was quite impressed that when i got downstairs to take a shower that exactly and i'm not exaggerating here when i say exactly half the towel was soaking wet (horizontally) and the other lower long strip half was bone dry. however i felt the need to use the wet half??? the thesbian was walking around with an apple computer stuck to her waist... i think we said we didn't like it but secretely i think we did. the floor was in a constant state of bed. our first night i found myself in full fedal positioning around the toilet as a upthrew about 1/4 litre of quash/chocolate puree...mixed in with some wine...i later came up to the "bed" which also doubles as "the floor" and found that neither the thesbian nor pseudo drag left any space for me.. so i sprawled on the sofa...secretely trying to make just enough noise for them to wake up....they didn't. i later moved down and took control but still it would have been nice to have been invited.

we lit a fire with this weird non wood log and i was curious about myself and my fellow thesbian and pseudo drag queen featuring wayne...we'll call him "bag boy". they couldn't stop staring at it....i was more impresseed with the cats and the shadows on the ceiling...or we could have just all made out....does anyone not like making out? how carrie bradshaw...journal entries filled with questions. when i attend these "sleepovers" do i reveal too much...

do i loose the mystique that i wish i had or think that i possess? should i stop going...they're so fun! maybe i should go wearing a mask? we have another night planned tonight...a school function...with wine, tobacco, i'm assuming that there will be pizza there, and considering that it's tina's house i'm almost sure that there WILL BE A CAT of some kind...even if it's a wallpaper border in her bathroom (i said wallpaper just so there would be no confusion...ie perhaps she had a border living in her bathroom). until tomorrow...ps. another question....

how personal is someone to be on live journal...should i bare my soul and allow all to see that i'm as vulnerable as a baby laying next to a coyote reserve under a blood scented air diffuser??? hmmm??? i guess now you know. ohh and the french toast i almost forget...actually i'll make another entry for it!

modernity ON never OFF